Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.

The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.

My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.

Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you

What is going on here?

Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?

your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial

hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.

Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF

Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.

Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…

Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin

When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”

He a real one for that

Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”

Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”

Manager:“I need to see you in my office.

cop: any drugs on u

me: on or in

cop: what

me: what

Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.

Ladies,

Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.

Men

I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.

“Why am I so thirsty?”

*Flashback to me eating half a ham*

“Oh, right”

*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”

Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.

Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.

gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste

shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read

Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.

Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.

Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”

I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.