Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trying to keep the riff raff away.

public bathrooms: wash your hands

also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!

10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye

Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face

I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.

Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident

Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him

This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.

Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.

*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over

Bees: why are all the humans disappearing

I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.

January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday

nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper

Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?

It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…

My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.

At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.

*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*

Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.

My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”

Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.

911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.

we’re gonna need another temp

here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos

“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.

I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?

Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA

*buys a 3D printer*

*prints a 3D printer*

*returns 3D printer for a refund*

… and be generous with the lollipops

– me holding up a bank