Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Thor Love and Thunder]

me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR

cinema guy: please stop doing this

Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?

Hub: Agreed

Me: Wait, where are you going?

Hub: Fishing. See you Monday

The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.

Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands

being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot

7am: *starts diet*

7pm: *eats the house*

If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.

Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”

My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.

For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.

channeling her this year

I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.

[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]

Beavers: Booooo!

*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?

[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.

[First ever date]

ME: I just didn’t feel a spark

CAVEWOMAN: a what?

My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.

The walls, too.

Yup, and ceiling.

Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!

Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.

Mine:

“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”

Oddly specific.

ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!

ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?

Me if I was a dog

God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.

*my husband

Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.

The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.

If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”

the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!

Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.

Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that

S O O N

What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray

Can you solve the riddle??