Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

*Computer crashes, I reboot it*

Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.

Me: Don’t put this on me, man.

I’d … I’d rather not.

I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.

Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.

Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.

I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.

Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.

Me: Grab me the red one

Dog: Not funny

15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.

How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!

I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

Therapist: How’s your narcissism?

Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.

The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy

I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.

It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.

My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.

Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.

The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.

5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?

My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.

*knock knock*

“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”

“But I’m having a poo”

“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”

my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.

Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.

That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button

Hey big accounts –

What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?

My cat would be dead before I got 50

Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.