Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[2 men standing in an empty basement together]

Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%

One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday

If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.

[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans

Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.

A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.

honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office

I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.

Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!

8: But mom, you’re pretty.

Me: Awe thank……wait what?

The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.

Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.

One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!

Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.

ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year

my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad

[Pulls away from kissing]

So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?

Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids

Me: oh no

Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while

Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now

[Darth Vader sitting down]

DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!

Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord

DV: You thought?

*begins force choking*

You have kale’d me for the last time

First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”

Eggs benadryl my favourite

Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?

*stands on scale at doctor’s office*

*takes off coat*

*empties pockets*

*shaves eyebrows*

Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.

My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪

“Babe I’m ready for bed”

“Why so early its the weekend?”

[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”

*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*

Basketball

“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.

Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’

My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.

But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.