Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Raisins are grape jerky.

neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?

me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.

SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.

Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?

nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”

The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages

You see my problem here

My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this

[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]

Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.

A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.

Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.

My wife and I will be sleeping.

Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.

I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…

My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy

i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot

Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.

I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.

anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.

I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣

Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.

(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions

inappropriate Care Bears be like:

I’m thinking about giving up sugar.

Ok. I’m done thinking about it.

An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.

Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with

Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.

I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.

I’m a kleptomaniac

It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it

What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?

It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.

Kids… I meant my kids.

I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.

as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.