Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.

God: you’re a pack animal.

Wolf: what does that mean?

God: it means you live with other wolves.

Wolf: like all the time?

God: yep!

Wolf: d-do I have to?

God:

Wolf:

God:

Wolf: [slides $20 across table].

God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.

Wolf: yay : )

“want to go grab some dinner?”

*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire

Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Jennifer? Most people love it.

Him: What’s another word for pee?

Her: Urinate.

Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.

Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way

If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.

“Spirits, are you there?”

[ouija board] ＩＦ  ＹＯＵ  ＬＩＫＥ  ＩＴ  ＴＨＥＮ  ＹＯＵ  ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ  ＰＵＴ  Ａ  ＲＩＮＧ  ＯＮ  ＩＴ

“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”

My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw

No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter

“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”

ME: *starts vaping*

*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*

Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.

Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.

Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:

– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan

Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:

“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”

[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT

Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.

WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG

I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.

Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’

Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’

this article brought to you by lions

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

3: I hit you in the head with the shovel

me: um, no thank you

3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle

I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago

*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”

I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?

Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.

Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.

Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.