Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
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i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
I don’t know what to do
