Another interesting #factupdates post!
You Might Also Like
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Y’all ready for this
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]