Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t

My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:

My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine

Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.

please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!

Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.

Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.

Should have let Marvel produce 2020.

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO

Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.

the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village

These are too funny not to post 😂

So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?

My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something

I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.

The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised

There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.

If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.

Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom

Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep

If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.

Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.

Now, everyone come help me find Carl.

H: “Whatcha doing?”

Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”

H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”

Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”

Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

Cannot stop laughing at this

Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.