Another interesting #factupdates post!
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Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Last-minute gift idea!
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”