Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
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I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Lmao 🤣
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient