Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.

Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.

My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.

So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?

Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.

Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.

Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?

6yo: A recorder.

Me: How about a pony instead?

I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..

But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..

I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber

*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.

Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you

If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.

Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.

Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social

Cat:

Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous

Cat:

*power goes out*

Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*

Cat: you were saying

Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.

Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.

*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]

✌🏽

Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.

[If my dog could talk]

DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY

We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.

After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.

Me: I like that racecar.

Her: You know that’s a palindrome.

Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine

Judge: Still guilty.

I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.