Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.

Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar

Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done

I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”

Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.

I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with

My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.

Perfect.

Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.

Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.

Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.

I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you

When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.

One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?

Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.

Me: 46 and out of shape

Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket

Him: “Are you single?”

Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”

Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.

Me: Please throw them in the dryer.

Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.

Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.

We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?

If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes

WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know

Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight

My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”

Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠

Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.