Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
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I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
“The weatherman isn’t real!”
-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates