“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
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i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.