“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
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AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*