Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.
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Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.