Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.
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Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Oh thanks BBC.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?