Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.
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Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
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