Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
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Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.