Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it

I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing

So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]

Me: creative differences

I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.

I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.

bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?

me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting

Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.

*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*

{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok

Therapist: Would you date yourself?

Me: No, I deserve better…

Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.

What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?

Rastafarian guy in the sauna this morning was telling me I should be making my own honey. “Anyone can buy a bee”, he said. I nodded, taking it to heart. There was a 10 second pause, after which a Polish bodybuilder in the corner interjected: “you need more bee”

Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?

Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.

Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes

So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.

dear parents,

just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence

In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.

It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila mockingbird.

Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.

BFF: Why you lying?

The defense rests your honor.

*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*

Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone

I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.

Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.