Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good

I had sex once and once was enough

Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂

i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head

Windows 10? Cool!

Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95

Give me Players for $500 Alex

“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”

What is checkmate?

“Wrong! What is your sex life”

If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.

Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.

my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane

Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’

Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT

Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.

My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.

I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving

If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.

Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.

Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high

Wife: how high

My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man

Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.

Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot

Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?

Me:

W:

M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!

Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.

“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”

Simba.. who told you about science

First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.

Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.

Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.

[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.

Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it

gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction

whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date

eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.

Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾

time as an adult:

Halloween

(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving

(5 minutes later)
Christmas