Another Netflix price increase? Guess we’re only chilling now
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Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
me: *gets something in my eye*
brain: put your finger in there too
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.