Another Netflix price increase? Guess we’re only chilling now
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Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Was excited about this gym membership I got for Christmas, but today I found out you’re not supposed to “just watch.”
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
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My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity