Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.

Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”

Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails

Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.

Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?

– Beaver

I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.

[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-

C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I

*squints*

What the heck?

A 3G board?

COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ

“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”

Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.

Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”

After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.

Hey kids,

Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves

– adults

officer: give me your name

me: then what am I going to use?

Me: I’m older and wider

Them: don’t you mean “wiser”

Me: nope

Me: What did you do at school today?

My kid: Nothing.

School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*

Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄

To be continued…

My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]

I got bills

They’re multiplying

Server: Congratulations, ma’am

Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?

S: Your husband said you’re eating for two

M: Oh she’s not pregnant

W: I despise you

Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket

smokey robinson: tears of a clown

witch: where did you get this recipe

Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.

When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute

[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!

*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf

ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”

ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”

You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.

Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps

Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache

I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.