Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot

what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up

no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby

Batman: I’m afraid of bats

Superman: I’m afraid of soup

If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July

I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.

Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?

I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.

ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.

They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?

interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words

me: mathematically challenged

‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’

~dogs in therapy

*Walks in late to dinner*

I see fed people.

*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?

Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?

the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me

having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me

“How stressed are you?”

Me:

Interview:

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

*I look at my watch then lean in*

How much time do you have?

I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!

People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.

Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.

When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.

For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.

[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!

scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*

HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.

You had ONE job!

– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.

Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries