Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD

Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.

[marketing meeting]

Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?

The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children

Her: Do we have any chicken stock?

Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.

When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.

One kid asked, “does he bite?”

“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.

So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.

Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.

Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas

Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami

I am, perchance

I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth

Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk

Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.

The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.

Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.

Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”

my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes

Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.

Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.

Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no

Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.

My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?

Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it

Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?

Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off

Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?

Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out

…we don’t have cleaners

When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him

Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you

“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”

“my name is Denise”

“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”

BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead

911: did u murder him?

BLACK WIDOW: uh

911: ma’am

BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*

The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on

Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat

My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.

But I eventually calmed down.

WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT