Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working

Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?

Just a paranormal pants.

Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting

A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.

“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control

Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.

if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.

You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.

You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet

the way this pissed me off… 😭

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”

Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.

my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire

ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.

“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”

BRAIN: Excellent.

I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long

Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.

Who needs an Air Fryer?

Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!

*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*

If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.

“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly

BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell

Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.