Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.

hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated

I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.

Nurse: strip down to your underpants

Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*

Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?

NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.

A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth

In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

I can’t go to jail…

I have serious food allergies!

My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today

A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??

It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.

However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.

Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-

Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet

Mom: we picked Bertha

Shakespere: oh god ew

I’m not crazy.

I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.

I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.

(gets pulled over)

wife: be nice.

cop: do you have any drugs?

me: yeah man help yourself.

[first day as a mechanic]

customer: can i get a quote?

me: give me liberty or give me death

customer: i meant for the truck

me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out

“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”

-Revolving Doors

THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.

At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.

GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points

My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.

Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”

Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.

Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick

Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?

Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.

My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”