“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
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Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.