Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
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[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
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Me: Same
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
It’s my emotional support 16 unwashed coffee cups in the sink
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
huge if true: the moon
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
[first day at CIA]
Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?
[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]
Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.