Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
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My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Bruh 😂
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out