Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?

Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.

I am criminally attractive*

*attractive to criminals

i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”

me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.

subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.

Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online

So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.

“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit

Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?

Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re

Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka

[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]

Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?

She’s fine she’s just an idiot.

The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.

ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.

My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now

So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*

Nothing happens

Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.

these can’t be my only options

I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.

Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.

i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact

Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie

tag: “dry clean only”

me: single-use garment? what a waste

[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.

me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*

9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad

I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.

Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.

No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now

Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.