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“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
I beg you to euthanise me
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
I am a man, a man with a cold, so I guess this is goodbye.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.