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“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
is this store having a stroke wtf
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.