Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
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if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
this isn’t threatening at all
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.