Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
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Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
this makes me so uncomfortable
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.