Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.

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I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.


Friend: Have you tried doing things in a normal, correct way?
Me: No, that is not how I choose to live my life


“I’ll sleep when I die” – person who doesn’t really understand sleeping or dying.


[first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light


I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.


Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough.


One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.


Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?

Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”

Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?

Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER

Prisoner: damn that’s cold


Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?

God: Frig sakes.

Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?


Date: you know that was just a filter, right?

Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine