@GrandadJFreeman

Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.

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@DurtMcHurtt

I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

@_mindflakes

Friend: Have you tried doing things in a normal, correct way?
Me: No, that is not how I choose to live my life

@Leggalicious

“I’ll sleep when I die” – person who doesn’t really understand sleeping or dying.

@Holy_Mowgli

[first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light

@drewtoothpaste

I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.

@TCKMed

Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough.

@patnspankme

One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.

@ChillGates69

Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?

Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”

Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?

Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER

Prisoner: damn that’s cold

@robin_991

Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?

God: Frig sakes.

Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?

@BoogTweets

Date: you know that was just a filter, right?

Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine