Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
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Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
The options really are this bad
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.