Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.

I’ll go first…

Bad Boys. 😏

Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind

Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

[jumps in Uber]

ME: HURRY I’M LATE

UBER: [starts driving]

ME: PULL OVER HERE

[jumps out, pets dog]

ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO

Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.

Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end

DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile

ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus

DAD: what virus

“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”

“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”

Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.

Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.

Me: wtf

There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy

I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.

It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.

Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no

Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast

I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious

Tomb = Toom

Womb = Woom

Bomb = Boom

I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck

Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”

Be specific when saying “BYOB”:

[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*

Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.

TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service

After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.

About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions

Hard not to take this personally