Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?

the noise i just made

HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.

Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.

His answer was white. With a question mark.

told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction

date: are u a tender lover?

me: more of a dino nugget guy

[3 guys corner me in an alley]

3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit

me: sorry for speeding officer

cop: you’re parked

me:

cop: in the intersection

me: I can smell your thoughts

cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles

I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.

Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.

People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.

it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware

Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?

Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.

“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.

I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.

Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.

uh-oh. Bad news for Trump

a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years

BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day

ME: Thanks boss!

BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon

Hang in there buddy

Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts

I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.

[being eaten alive by cannibals]

cannibal: is he… joining in?

my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68f

me: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?

my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!

me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning

my niece: maybe a cat

For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice

“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]

Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”