Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
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I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
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[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared