Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
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[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
“That’s what” – She
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Simple
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda