Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
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Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again