Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
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[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Them: why are you wearing fashion magazines?
Me: they’re articles of clothing
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.