Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
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So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.
Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Simple
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”