Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
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*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full