Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
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Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
happy friday
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
