Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
You Might Also Like
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
12653.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
What an awful time to have common sense.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.