Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!

American recipes are litch like

•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste

Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.

One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.

“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center

I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar

Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.

“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”

*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*

I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.

Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”

Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.

Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.

WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?

ME: *climbing in* I can try

I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.

Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.

If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.

[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.

[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11

Revenge served cold

When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids

Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.

– Respirational Tweet

I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s

Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.

An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling

a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention

Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.