Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA

Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!

-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.

It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.

I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.

Someone’s been going round our local town stealing all the eggs, milk, sugar and vanilla essence. Police now have the culprit in custardy.

I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle

How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?

Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with

I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?

SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!

Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers

So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL

How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻‍♀️

I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.

If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.

The timeline of microwave popcorn:

< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential

I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.

If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.

Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*

*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*

I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.

My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.

– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown

– making ice in trays

– doing housework

– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from

I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.

Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.

They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.

*crashes vehicle*

“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”

*dies smiling*

Raising Twins

Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?

Me: I literally have no idea.

Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.

I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?

Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.

I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.

“I’ll go when the cat gets up”

My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM

“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”

I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.