Another year of doing the same thing next to a slightly different number, nice call
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“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
It’s 9:00 p.m. And an ice cream truck just blew past my house . Doesn’t he know I can’t run that fast
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
*frowns in Scottish*
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.