Another year of doing the same thing next to a slightly different number, nice call
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Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
kids play hide and seek like
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*