Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.

I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.

call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much

“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.

*gets bitten

*becomes shy shy

Him: What’s another word for pee?

Her: Urinate.

Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.

last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment

CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice

Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.

*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions

Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.

If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.

[IT guy on phone]

May I take control of your computer?

Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*

Err… sure.

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]

I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.

I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.

i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets

I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?

If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold

i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”

The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.

Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet

My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔

My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready

When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?

#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.

They are so full of themselves.