Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
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Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
me when I see my crush
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.