@DrawingShadows

Answer: Marijuana

Question: Why am I sitting here on the couch eating ice cream with a fork, watching Telemundo and wearing one sock?

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@PaperWash

Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP

@Not_a_JesusGirl

There is nothing funnier than yelling “SHE’S STEALING MY BABY!” at a mom having a hard time with her kid in public.

@mrnickharvey

Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.

@IntoxicaTweeted

I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

@Ophoenix1

I love Americans. You guys have the best serial killers.

@Sarcasticsapien

Beauty and the Beast is an introvert’s worst nightmare. You stay home alone miles from people and then the damn dishes start talking to you.

@SteveKoehler22

Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.

@putyoursisterd1

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

@scorpicpanda

Me: “OMG, my abs are so sore!”

12: (sarcastically) “What abs?”

Me: “The abs hiding under this protective layer of you’re grounded.”

@bombsydoll

Problem: I hate peeing alone, sleeping, & nobody talks to me about random nonsense

Solution: kids