Answer: Marijuana

Question: Why am I sitting here on the couch eating ice cream with a fork, watching Telemundo and wearing one sock?

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Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-


There is nothing funnier than yelling “SHE’S STEALING MY BABY!” at a mom having a hard time with her kid in public.


Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.


I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.


I love Americans. You guys have the best serial killers.


Beauty and the Beast is an introvert’s worst nightmare. You stay home alone miles from people and then the damn dishes start talking to you.


Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.


Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.


Me: “OMG, my abs are so sore!”

12: (sarcastically) “What abs?”

Me: “The abs hiding under this protective layer of you’re grounded.”


Problem: I hate peeing alone, sleeping, & nobody talks to me about random nonsense

Solution: kids