In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
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*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
But I really needed water water water
I love art.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk