Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
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Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Me: I like reading funny jokes and watching cat videos
Twitter algorithm: Here’s someone getting run over by a car and people arguing about politics
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.