Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.

It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.

Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.

God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*

Adam: That’s a weird way to make people

God: Lol wait till you see how she does it

if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)

Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“

[watching basketball]

I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.

And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.

[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.

3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?

me: they’re lights

3: no I mean the spirits in front of them

me:

me:

me:

3: what’s for dinner

Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”

**Mom cries running out the room

Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?

bill nye is short for william new year’s eve

Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.

Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.

me when i see my girls butt

teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.

Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.

Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.

I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.

Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok

[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year

Jury duty

[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!

Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman

Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.

The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.

I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.

I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it

My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion