Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
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I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
My brain is a bad influence on me
That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
The word Ohio looks like a tractor
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.