Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
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Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.