Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
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🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.