Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around

Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.

Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?

Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.

NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726

Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.

[later]

Me:

👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES

Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things

Also me:

Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.

Life hack

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.

me: I’m gonna work from home today

co-pilot: wait

I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.

People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am

I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.

im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion

Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.

How to keep the seat next to you empty.

an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down

Creepy-crawlies

age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home

age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.

Captain’s Log:

Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.

Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.

Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.

an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today

I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.

Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand

She’ll love it

In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.

If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.

I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.