Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
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[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
#gardening
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.