Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down

HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.

Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.

But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.

If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills

Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.

me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code

just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.

[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit

12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day

You saw nothing. I am ham.

Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?

I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER

St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.

I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub

I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway

This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.

You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.

It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.

Ma’am, it’s moving.

I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

me: i can handle my alcohol

5 shots later: *in the shower on all 4s pretending i’m a bear catching fish

Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.

Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!

-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers

Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.

Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.

(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?

My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.

Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?

Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.

Wife: okay no.

Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.