Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”

The “research” scene in every horror movie

My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.

Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.

GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.

Me: Please finish your drink

4: Don’t say it like that!

Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you

4: Okay

Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.

Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.

wife: did you pee on the seat

me: maybe a little

bus driver: ok both of you off now

My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?

Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts

Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts

…you’re right, I do feel better now.

I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable

If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.

If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”

[Movie theater]

*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*

Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’

I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me

Cop: A ghost killed your family?

Guy: Yes!

Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?

Guy: No?

Cop: Well there you go.

When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat

[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!

Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!

Murderer: What the… where are you?

Me: Did you look under there?

Murderer: Under whe-Hey!

Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.

Murder: What- Damn it!

If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.

I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.

Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?

i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

Mom: Where’s your brother?

Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes

Mom: Mosh?

Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]

“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness

Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?

Me: did I look like I was paying attention?