Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
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[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure