Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
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me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
How I’d get arrested…
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Confused owl: What?!
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.