Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Clark Kent: *removes glasses*

Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are

Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.

He cooked 2 sausages.

I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.

These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣

Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.

*pronounces patio like ratio

A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s

i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there

Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny

[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this

[Eating wings]

Pilot: This is a bad idea

[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.

Who hurt you?

I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.

mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format

I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.

My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.

Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.

[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]

Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato

I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.

*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!

My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags

When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.

A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%