My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
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TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.