Answering: How are you?

-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return

“Not good”
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions

“That’s confidential”
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀

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He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”


Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*

Guy: *stunned silence*

-Single Mama on a date


I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.


I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.


911: what’s your emergency

me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.

911: what’s his location?

me: he’s 3 doors down


“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”

-guy who invented ketchup packets


teacher: your son doesn’t understand art

me: ok ill give him drugs

teacher: no

me: emotional trauma?

teacher: no

me: abandonment issues?

teacher: no

me: it seems to me like you’re the one who doesn’t understand art


People who use a vacation day the day after Christmas to have relatives over clearly don’t understand the meaning of the word vacation.


Amoeba: dad, how was I made?

Amoeba Dad: well son, when a man loves himself very much


All you need is love.

and groceries.
and health insurance.
and heat.
and whatnot.