He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Answering: How are you?
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return
-incites follow-up questions
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
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Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
teacher: your son doesn’t understand art
me: ok ill give him drugs
me: emotional trauma?
me: abandonment issues?
me: it seems to me like you’re the one who doesn’t understand art
People who use a vacation day the day after Christmas to have relatives over clearly don’t understand the meaning of the word vacation.
Amoeba: dad, how was I made?
Amoeba Dad: well son, when a man loves himself very much
All you need is love.
and health insurance.