@MindPassionate

Answering: How are you?

“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return

“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions

“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀

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@_Tempo11

He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”

@_SingleBabyMama

Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*

Guy: *stunned silence*

-Single Mama on a date

@better_off_dad

I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.

@Daisyldoo

I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.

@climaxximus

911: what’s your emergency

me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.

911: what’s his location?

me: he’s 3 doors down

@SteveSuckington

“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”

-guy who invented ketchup packets

@robots_feel

teacher: your son doesn’t understand art

me: ok ill give him drugs

teacher: no

me: emotional trauma?

teacher: no

me: abandonment issues?

teacher: no

me: it seems to me like you’re the one who doesn’t understand art

@Crunk_Jews

People who use a vacation day the day after Christmas to have relatives over clearly don’t understand the meaning of the word vacation.

@Barknado69

Amoeba: dad, how was I made?

Amoeba Dad: well son, when a man loves himself very much

@better_off_dad

All you need is love.

and groceries.
and health insurance.
and heat.
and whatnot.