Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
me: this water is not hydrating me.
wife: that’s because it’s tequila.
me: that explains why I’m naked
target cashier:
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
problems i need
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
