Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?

They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11

Mom, look at my diarrhea.

— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair

The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.

17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq

My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high

Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.

The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.

KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat

DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes

Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.

Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.

I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

*tries to get in your pantries*

There is no typo here.

Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.

I think this should do it.

Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.

Me: How’s it going?

Coworker: Can’t complain.

Me: Try harder.

Coworker: Life is meaningless.

Me: Atta boy.

I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool

“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart

The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”

*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!

Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?

Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….

The thief is spending less
than my wife did.

We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.

It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.

When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.

I just had a near death experience

Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT

Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.

I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it

Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.