Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth

I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.

me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: did he just get in line

it must be school picture day

I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.

I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.

I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.

-inventor of powerwalking

A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.

“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.

Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.

Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.

Dog: [with a ball] throw this

Human: ok

Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth

Human: what

Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”

KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant

Expected my family to chew me out this morning bc I ate all our cans of Who Hash last night but luckily we were also robbed by the Grinch last night so I blamed him for taking the Who Hash and my stupid Who family totally bought it LET’S GOOOO 🗣️🗣️🗣️

I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈

Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough

My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.

My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.

I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him

I’m not ready for this.

My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?

Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.

5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”

Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”

5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”

There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH

Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

founder of costco: [drunk as hell] it’s gonna have hot dogs and optometrists

I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…

All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.

~inspirational tweet