*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
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Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
crazy
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees