Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *nods in agreement

Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about

🤣

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work

Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.

The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.

Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.

My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar

Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.

Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.

I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser

My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.

I was putting on my shoes.

This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.

Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!

Me: No, that’s just God crying.

*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*

For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.

Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?

ME: wow look at all these hotties

FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that

Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign

I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone

Intelligence is the new cleavage

Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”

me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right

[later at dinner]

Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine

If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.

If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.

Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder

Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.

[front of card]
No one will find your body

[open card]
as attractive as I do

[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft

my gf left me bc i’m paranoid

nvm she’s back, she went pee

Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.

I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.

I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.

Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.