*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
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“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael
Snapes on a plane.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”