Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
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[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Me buying fruit and veg
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Finally… My bills are washed, laundry is paid, clothes are baked and dinner is in the dryer… Adulting is tough, but I’ve got this!
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.