Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.

Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!

I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.

– me flirting

Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years

Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.

[before electricity was invented]

ME: [presses hand dryer]

GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]

When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter

Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”

Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?

WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door

ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?

Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.

Cat: *meow*

Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.

What do you call a Magician without any magic?

Ian.

Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser

Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!

*looks at wife, wife shakes her head

Me: I’m not allowed

*kicks dirt

Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.

Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well

Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…

Aw beans

1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.

me linking you to my twitter

They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.

My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.

I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.

#notsorry

“You’re saying it’s all an act?

Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.

Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned

I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla

Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.

In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.

I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.

I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers

Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on