Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.

Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?

Director: you mean a choir?

Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?

it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance

I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.

My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.

[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.

Captain: relax, it’s just a title

Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU

If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: that’s a mandolin

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.

also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes

*gets up off bed*

*puts pants back on*

Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?

i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations

I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.

That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.

LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.

We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.

After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.

there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”

When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…

Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.

Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving

nobody:

4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

DARTH VADER: I am your father

LUKE: Buy me some jeans then

DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this

There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires

My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.

If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name

Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4  kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away

Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.