Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I accidentally became a nun:

✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits

I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…

“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*

Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.

Teacher: define “impossible”

Me: no can do

Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?

Me: doubt it

Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?

Me: I have no idea

Teacher: amazing

Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.

I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”

…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.

[phone]

H: What’s for dinner?

M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.

H: Should I stop and get something?

M: Yes, more vodka.

sin harder.

who did the taste test?

If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them

“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”

-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.

Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems

When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.

My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.

Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour

I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.

♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫

If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper

Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”

Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”

I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.

I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.

Resist all the cheese, I can’t.

Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.

Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away

Me asks *my kid to do his home work*

My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?

People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.

Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call

It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.

Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.