Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
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i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
i want it utterly assaulted.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
*offers Batman cough drops*
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
so logan paul and jake paul are different people?
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
